Micyclist

I don't understand car culture. Well, I didn't used to. I get it now, but it took me a long time. Yesterday morning I was waiting for the shuttle to pick me up and whisk me away to Campusland, and I saw two lizards on the curb next to me. The bigger lizard began bobbing up and down and flexing his neck-flap thing. This kept up for about 30 seconds or so. After that, the ladylizard ran away. It may not seem like much, but that tiny, natural exchange is what helped me understand car culture, and a few other things.

I complain about the macho douchebags I see at FGCU all the time. White Oakley sunglasses? Check. Black flatcap with the Atlanta Braves logo on it? Check. Backs his dad's old Lexus into every parking spot he finds? Check. Fratboy, why does your dad's old Lexus have a spoiler now? What about those 22' chromium wheels? And that subwoofer that wakes me up at 3 in the morning as you drive back from yo boy's house after a hard night of drinking and smoking? What's up with that? Well, Brian/ Anthony/ Mark/ Scott/ Matt/ Mike/ whatever your name is, I know why. I've FIGURED YOU OUT. And it's all thanks to nature. In nature, the male species must always ALWAYS has to put on some sort of display of affection and superiority if he wants to have any chance of porking the nearest ladybird or ladygoose. It's just instinct. A long time ago, at the advent of the Paleodouchic Era, a guy saw a bird making a fool out of himself for a ladybird and thought, Gee, I wanna try that! So he did. And it worked! Fast forward to nowtimes. The most popular, studly males around are basically driving around in flashy, attention-getting pre-mating rituals, except now they're called "Honda Civics". Don't believe me?

Right. See? The only reason you can buy spinners for your rims at every conflabbed mall kiosk in town is because nature dictates and requires it if you want to have any hope of reproducing. I think it's hilarious that humans are just as goofy as flamingoes when it comes to attracting a mate. Instead of all that weird strutting and cawwing, we just make awkward conversation and convince the opposite sex that we're not that horrible. I'm not saying that females are attracted to meaningless baubles and counterfeit gestures, because they're not. Er, right?



The nature metaphors continue below.

B'AWWWW. Cyclists equal cute, squishy things? No, dummy. Focus.



Cyclists are the mice of the road. Tiny, athletic, and sometimes nocturnal. Cyclists bother me for the same reason mice bother other people: they have the potential to cause some serious damage. Mice by themselves are not so bad. You see one in a forest or something and say, "Aw, cute". Same with cyclists. "Good for you, flabby 50-something frizzy-haired lady in an unfortunate sportsbra! I'm proud of you.". Not a big deal. But, what happens when you see a bunch cyclists in front of you in YOUR lane? You think the same thing when you see a bunch of mice together. "Bubonic plague". Or "dinner for snakes". Both of these things can apply to a cyclist, I guess, but the general idea that I'm trying to convey here is that a cluster of cyclists puts everybody on the road on edge. One wrong move and you could very easily kill 3 people, ya know? I'm not a nervous driver, but nothing triggers a nasty case of anxious back-sweat like riding next to a cyclist at a traffic light or other significant infrastructural junction. I just don't like that they ride out in the middle of the road in this itty-bitty lane. It seems completely counter-intuitive! If I were a biker, I would A) bike somewhere scenic and pleasant, not on Three Oaks "Deathtrap" Parkway and B) bike on a SIDEWALK, away from a ROAD. Oop, er, what's that noise?

Oh, it's a million bicyclists protesting their lack of rights on the road. Hm, well, huh. I mean, there is a bike lane, and you're more than welcome to use it. And, well, I'll try not to run you over when you and your neon-colored posse cut me off as I'm trying to turn, so...two rights. I'm giving you two rights.



I like bike rides. I would, at some point, like to bike around Paris or Venice or somewhere scenic. I love bike rides, but it just seems like the presence of gigantic, exhaust-spewing bowling balls on the road would make anyone think twice about riding on a road. We have parks! Parks are nice.



-J





PS - You would not BELIEVE how many pictures of naked bicyclists show up when you type "Bicycle Protest" into Google Images. Sheesh.