Monty

I woke up this morning at 7AM, 15 minutes later than I should've woken up. I woke up late because my alarm is my cell phone, and my cell phone was on vibrate. I took a quick shower and gathered up my school supplies for the day. I left the dorm and went downstairs to wait for the shuttle to take me to campus proper. It arrives about 10 minutes later. The shuttle was only half-full, which at first was refreshing, because usually the bus gets so packed that my face is forced into some foul crevasse of the stranger in front of me. But it wasn't that way this morning, so I sat down and stretched out a little bit. Unfortunately, FGCU only can afford 3 buses (which is strange, because we just spent $250,000 on a state-of-the-art golf simulator), so we were slowly making our way through the dorms, picking up all sorts of groggy, moaning zombies.

Now, I'm a chivalrous fellow. I hold doors open for ladies. I speak politely around ladies. I try not to push them into mud puddles. I'm a nice guy. Usually, if I've got a seat on the bus and I see a girl having to stand and hold on to the ceiling-bar, I'll cede my seat to her. She thanks me politely and I shrug it off like the aloof stud that I am. That did not happen today. I was tired, depressed, and hungry. But most importantly, I was comfortably seated. We kept piling more and more kids on the bus until eventually the seats were all filled and people began standing and hanging onto the bar. A tall, pretty girl wearing a strapless dress sat next to me. I gave the obligatory smile and mumbled a hello as her butt landed right next to me. We were sitting in silence as we watched girls and boys line up in the aisle and grab the bar overhead. Two girls were standing right in front of me and Dress Girl. All of a sudden, as if it were choreographed, two fratboys sitting across from me get up and insist the girls take their seats. Great, I thought. Now every dude on the bus feels like a jerk for not getting up for these broads. To make matters worse, Dress Girl spurts, "Awh, you guys are so sweet!". Thanks, woman. I appreciate that. Not only do those fratboys make every guy on the bus look like an inconsiderate moron, but they receive Dress Girl's affection, too. How nice.

I could have done that. I felt like I should have, but then I remembered, "Wait, I DO do that." Except, when I do it, nobody says a word. Or if they do, it's a disdainful "Thanks...". Those are even worse. They might as well just say, "What took you so long, asshole?". Plus, no girl is going to be smitten with me if I give her my seat. It's not like I've ever made friends with a girl by giving up that comfy, foamy throne. It's a lose-lose situation. If I stand and give up my seat, every guy on the bus suddenly hates me, and the girl to whom the seat was given just hates me a little less. If I don't give up my seat, I look like a jackass as soon as some gentleman becomes courteous enough to allow a girl to take his seat. My solution? Never sit down. Even if I'm the first one on the bus, I will go directly to the back and grasp that cold metal bar of restitution, and stand.

I enjoy conversation. I like talking to people. I like making people laugh. I see people like little puzzles that I can try to solve. Some people are tougher to crack, and other people are unsatisfyingly easy. But, one facet of conversation that I have a tough time tolerating is the word "So..."

To clarify, I like the word "so". "So" is very handy. One of my favorite adjectives, really. However, "so" has become corrupted and turned into a withering, stifling sledgehammer to any conversation. An example:

Jordan: Hey, have you ever been skiing?
Dingus: Ha, yeah. But it gets tiring after awhile, so...

"So..."? So what? "So...take a nice bath afterwards"? "So...bring some cocaine to perk you up when you're done"? "So..." is the easiest way to convey to the other conversational party that you are either A) inept at entertaining a thought or B) not at all interested in what I have to say. To add insult upon injury, many people add the devastating "yeah." after the "so". Nothing is more frustrating that sparking up a conversation, and before anything gets accomplished, your friend ends his piece with, "so...yeah.". What am I supposed to say to that? Are you reassuring yourself that you're smart and funny or something? Because chances are, if you end your sentences with "so...yeah", you're half-Mongoloid who can't finish a thought.

To be honest, I've used "so...yeah" a couple times, but for a totally different reason. I use it for comedic value, or to let someone know that I don't want to talk about something. Like this.

A) Jordan: Yeah, I'm wear a size 10 sneaker, but a size 7 high-heel. So...yeah.

OR
B) Jordan: And then we just sort of went our seperate ways. So...yeah.

There you go. Those are the only two permissable circumstances when "so..." becomes appropriate.

I don't have any pictures in this post. Congrats if you managed to read all this. You're a real good friend.

-J