Legend

Swine Flu. I'll bet you've heard by now that Texas has closed all of it's school to prevent a pandemic. I don't buy it. You know how many people die each year from influenza? Around 36,000. You know how many (Americans) have died because of Swine Flu? 0. That's Z-E-R-O. Do you know what the symptoms are of the dreaded Swine Flu? Coughing, fever, lethargy, and lack of appetite. In some rare cases, vomiting has occurred. So what? I've vomited before! I think we can handle it. Unless you have an immune system that's weaker than Beyonce's performance in "Obsessed", you should be alright. Just like the rest of America. Besides, why are only Mexicans dying? I wonder if it has anything to do with the water they drink. You know how it imparts the wrath of Montezuma on any unwitting foreigner? I don't know why that is, and one of my best friends is Mexican. Oh! Oh lord! What if Dan gets Swine Flu?! That'd be terrible! He might give it to me! ...I digress. I highly doubt that the Swine Flu is going to bring down the USA. But if it does, I hope I'm near Will Smith. He knows how to deal with all sorts of problems in any post-apocalyptic environment, apparently.

People have been getting under my skin, lately. Whether I'm at school or not, someone I don't really like finds me and insists on talking to me. I used to be really good at sending bad vibes to the occasional Matt Maile or the Mike Eisenberg, but it seems I've lost that ability. Annoyances seem to be coming from everywhere. This might be a pipe-dream, but I wish I could get some peace and quiet at school. Maybe I shouldn't have been so darn charismatic. Now everyone thinks I'm their friend. I think it's because Kaita's lost her voice. She's a lot of fun to talk to, but now that she can't talk, people think it's their free ticket to talk to me. Well, IT'S NOT! Baugh!

I got my yearbook today. I don't really like it very much. My senior portrait is nice, and I know my quote doesn't make any sense, but it's kinda weak. I mean, Wes Diaz and Alli Canterbury and Britney Cosma are on every page, and Chase Sammons (Chambers?) has like, 3 full pages advertising, well, himself. Looking at pictures of all the people I've been passing in the hall for 4 years just makes me realize how unsavory I find these students. Plus, I'm kind of embarrassed of my school. It's sort of sad.

I remember the first time I got an 8 on a Kasenow paper and was inducted into the "5 Club". I bragged to one of my friends at Ft. Myers High about it and she said, "So what? You go to South!". So true!

I think I'm done writing. Er, typing. Tomorrow is Friday! See you all later.

-J

Hooby-Dooby

Hello, my peoples. Sorry for the relatively late post. My sister claimed she had homework to do, which would've been fine had I not seen her uploading and editing pictures of herself all afternoon. Buh.

Kaita has no voice, so school was definitely an interesting experience. It was hard to hear her, so she just gesticulated a lot and I got the general idea. Nevertheless, today was a success on account of I hit Bobby Kiesel in the head with like, 3 dodgeballs. That was cool. Ah.

"Gesticulated" sounds like a naughty word.

The Infamous Andy Francis paid me a visit today. Good for him. We watched UHF and soccer and then beat people up and took their money.

Thanks, River City Ransom for the NES!

I guess this is sort of a scant post. Everyone's gearing up for Kasenow's AP Exam and to tell you the truth I've got a lot more important things on my mind. Like NASA. Why do we have NASA? Worst investment of all time. Did we expect to profit from space travel? Ugh. It's caused more harm than good, in my opinion. Sure, National Geographic is able to put out another issue on stars and whatnot, but I just don't care. Or maybe I do care. Too much. Bleaugh.

Now, prepare for another embarrassing edition of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

29 April 2009

1899 - Jazz master Edward Kennedy Ellington is born. You might know him as "Duke", who cranked out jazz classics like "C Jam Blues" and "Make The 'A' Train". Unfortunately, he smoked a lot and died of lung cancer. Bummer.

1901 - Future Japanese Emperor Hirohito is born. The man had one name and ruled the entire country of Japan. How cool is that? It's just a bummer we A-Bombed his empire. I feel kinda bad.

Sorry, buddy.

1945 - Adolf Hitler marries longtime sweetheart Eva Braun in his underground bunker and then allegedly commits suicide. But we all know what happened. Marriage ruins lives.

1992 - Riots break out in Las Angeles after the acquittal of several police officers charged with using excessive force in the beating of Rodney King, a black man. Over the next 3 days, 53 people are killed and hundreds of buildings are destroyed. I think we made up for it since we found OJ innocent.

Call it even?

2008 - Albert Hoffman, Swiss scientist, known as the first to synthesize LSD, dies. I guess I don't care, but without him, we'd never hear of Jack Kerouac or Ken Kesey. I liked their books. So, thanks, Al. Thanks for blowing people's minds all over their faces.

And this has been yet another edition of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!
29 April 2009

And that is all for today. Hopefully something exciting happens this week and I can have you guys frothing over my next juicy post. But that probably won't happen, so you should probably get started on that book you've been telling everyone you've read a thousand times.

Join me next time when Fred Rogers from "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood" joins us from BEYOND THE GRAVE...!

Oooooo~!

-J

Stacked

Sorry for the posting hiatus. I've been busy with big boy things, recently.

Prom was good, I don't care what you say. I agree that it might not've been the ideal "Prom Experience", but it was certainly a nice time to talk to people and reminisce about the old times before we all get shoved out into that big, delicious world out there. I wish I had some pictures to post, but Kaita and Jack have them all. I should get some.

Everyone was complaining that it sucked. I can understand, I guess. The music was not in good taste or even loud enough to dance to, but the weather was nice, people looked nice, the food was nice, and I got to dress up. I even saw dolphins. Hooray, dolphins. All in all, I give it 8/10 stars. I would give it a 10/10, but Matt Lyons and Eric Carlin were there, so...yeah, I've giving it an 8.

Kaita didn't come to school today on account of she's sick. I was pretty quiet all day on account of she's the only one that laughs at my jokes. I skipped Johnny Jones' 4th period math class on account of...he just stinks. I went down to Mr. Mayer's band room to see a bunch of skinny white kids with hair like Florence Henderson.

"Florence Henderson: The Original Emo Boy"

(...Thanks, Kaita.)

Anyway, they sounded horrible. Plus, Mr. Mayer, a full-grown man (allegedly...) had a mental breakdown in the middle of Band class and started mumbling and pacing and crying. Maybe. I think he was crying. I hope he was crying.

Muh. I was hoping I'd avoid Senioritis this year, but I had to switch priorities to protect against Swine Flu (not to be confused with Swink Flu) and now I'm pretty much the stereotypical teenager: lazy, fat, and broke. I've sort of lost all motivation for school. That's not to say that I've let my grades slip, though. I have the best grades right now than I've had all year! It's just, with the year winding down and teachers scrambling for meaningless assignments (Portfolios, anyone?), I guess I've lost the fire. Plus, the Panthers missed the playoffs and I don't have much to look forward to after I drop Kaita off after school. I don't think I'm depressed, I just think that I'm tired.

I came home and fell asleep. Then I woke up and thought my dog was dead. I froze. What happens when my dog dies? I think I'd call my mom and ask her to do something about it. I've got a soft spot for my dog. Well. Maybe it's not TOO soft. I guess I don't want to be around when he kicks the bucket. He's a cool old weiner dog. He used to be perky and svelte, like this:

But now he's old and lumpy and fat, like this:

Er, I guess that's not so much "old". I couldn't find a picture of an old fat weiner dog. Thanks, Google.

I just deleted my Internet history because I'd feel weird if my mom found this.

That kid has a nice rack.

-J

PS - Sorry for the sloppy format today. For some reason this dumb website won't let me put a break after "8" and before "Muh.". Just pretend it looks nice.

Tuxedilemma

Hey.

I went to pick up my tux at a San Carlos/Island Park vendor, and Mason Prater, Nick Karkis, Brittany Cosma, and Seth Jenks were all there. They all stopped talking when I walked it. I think I ruined their good, clean teenage fun. Maybe they were making fun of me before I got there. Oh well.

The real purpose of this blog is to ask you, the reader, your opinion on what tie I should wear.

Tie #1

This is the tie that came with the tux. Looks nice, right? Well, it's not a real tie. It's got like, a little clippy thing. You don't tie it. You clip it. Lame and uncomfortable, but it matches the vest.

Tie #2

This is my cool-guy tie. It's a real tie with a piece of sheet music and a clarinet on it. It was given to me by my old band teacher/friend Mr. Ash. Looks awesome, but can I pull it off?

What would you rather see? Kaita's vote counts for a thousand points, everyone else gets one-half point. Whoever has the most points wins the game and I wear whatever tie they voted for. Ask your friends to play. It'll be fun.

Not much else to report. Oh, I heard this news story today.

A group of 8th grade students in Alaska were outside on Monday during P.E. class when a innocent, blameless moose wandered onto school grounds. It's not clear what happened next, but what we do know, is that the students started messing with the moose, and taunted it to death. The poor moose became so upset that is began throwing itself against a wall, until it killed itself. The school administrators have taken disciplinary action.

Please. Just leave the moose alone.

-J

15 Minutes

Alright, I just found out I was featured on the very popular homestarrunner.com, and I had what my gorgeous gal pal would call, a "nerdgasm".

Okay, here's some backstory: Homestar Runner is a popular web cartoon/comic that I've been a fan of for about 3 years. I doodle his face all the time. He's on my keychain. This guy:

The guys who run the website encourage fans to send in Homestar-esque objects that the fans either make or see. Birthday cakes, Halloween costumes, etc.

I also play this PC game called Team Fortress 2. My name on that game is a sort of underground character on the website, "Li'l Brudder". He's a one-legged dog that was mentioned in one of the cartoons. In Team Fortress, you can make "sprays", which is basically a "spraypainted" picture of whatever you want placed anywhere on the current game level. I got a picture of Li'l Brudder as my spray, since it's my name.

Fast forward a little bit. Since I love this website, I decided to take a picture and send it to the authors of the website. In summary, I was featured on the website. Here's a picture:

Here's a link for the website archive. I've second from the bottom.

http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Weekly_Fanstuff

I'm famous!

-J

Columbus Day

Hello, my people.

I noticed a lot of people I know are starting blogs. I don't know if I had anything to do with it, but I'ma pretend I inspired all these budding authors to express themselves. That's me. Jordan Eller. Trend setter. Go getter. Pants wetter.

What?

What do you guys think of Tyler Perry? That black guy (sometimes old lady) that only makes movies and TV shows about dysfunctional (and usually overweight) black people. This guy:



He created all the Madea movies. Y'know. This lady: Er, guy: Whatever:

Yeah, anyway. All he does is write lame comedies about how crrrrazy black people are. I mean, if I were black people, I'd be offended, because thanks to the likes of Mr. Perry, the world thinks I'm some psychotic and overweight buffoon. McDonalds isn't helping either. Have you noticed this? Almost all the McDonald's commercials portray a bunch of black people rapping either a) on the street or b) in their attic about how much they love Big Macs. Isn't that weird? Maybe I'm just neurotic. Ugh.

Okay, it's Wednesday. That means it's Vol. 2 of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009

1500 - Portugese navigator Pedro Alvares Cabral becomes the first European to spot Brazil. I thought Portugese people were from Brazil. I'm so confused.

1945 - Hitler admits defeat in his underground bunker. Thank heaven. He was a rather unsavory fellow, wasn't he?

1970 - The first Earth Day is celebrated, marking it the first new worthless holiday since like, Columbus Day.

Thanks for the syphilis, Chris!

1998 - The Animal Kingdom opens at Walt Disney World in Orlando. What a waste. Animals are just as boring in real life as they are in pictures.

2006 – Four Canadian soldiers are killed in Afghanistan by a roadside bomb planted by Taliban militants, the worst single day combat loss for the Canadian army since the Korean War.

...Canada has an army?

At that, Ellerpets, is the second edition of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

That's all, folks. Tune in next time when my special guest is Bill Nye the Science Guy!

-J

Oximoron

Hey! It's Monday! Nothing spectacular happened besides the fact that we had a guest speaker (who I suspect MIGHT be the ShamWow guy...) who took up a solid 1 and 1 half hours today at school. Those white people are crazy!

I don't watch very much TV. If you've ever been to my house, you know that I have like, 4 channels in my room. That suits me just fine. I've never been really entertained by anything on TV besides hockey games and when Spike broadcasts the Star Wars movies. To me, the commercials are the biggest turn off. I understand that the stations need to make money, but sometimes, I wonder why in the world they chose a certain spokesperson to promote their product. I'm talking about this guy:

Billy Mays. You've most likely seen him on those OxiClean commericals. I gotta admit, OxiClean looks like a pretty sweet deal, but Mr. May's voice is just too much. I don't just mute the TV, I bury my head in pillows and whatever else to drown out the sound of his abrasive, wacky voice. The guy looks nice, sure. Maybe like a cool uncle or something. Heck, he's even got a kickin' beard and 'stache, but seriously. It wouldn't be so bad if he was ONLY on OxiClean commercials. I mean, I only watch maybe an hour of TV a day, so that's, what, maybe 15 commercials a day? Fortunately for Billy's wallet and unfortunately for Jordan's ears, he's branched out. Now he can be seen promoting every stinking contraption for any job. From Bedazzler to Buddy Putty, this guy has pitched more product than (insert some sort of baseball joke). I guess that means he's good at what he does, but the VOICE. I'm sorry, it's a pretty dumb subject to rant about, but nothing else is going on in my life right now, so...why not? Anyway. In summary, Billy Mays' voice is annoying and commercial companies should put more thought into whose voice is going to be forever associated with their product.

Norah Jones has a nice voice. She should be a spokesperson. I mean, a spokesperson for something besides being mellow and demure.

EDIT: Okay, this is sort of an addendum to this post, but I just saw a commercial with the Charmin bears on it. Y'know, these guys:

I was just thinking how unnecessary (and disturbing) it is to see a bunch of toilet paper on some cartoon bear's bum. Plus, I'm not ever sure of what it's advertising. How would you know if you leave little tiny pieces behind? I don't really scope out my butt after I've done the deed and say, "Good job, Jordo.". Maybe I do have some pieces back there. Makes me want to take a shower.
Sorry for the unsavory subject. It was just bugging me.

Bye!

-J

Brevity

Hey, world. I'm posting from my iPod today, since I'm tired and not much has happened today.

Uh, I've really got nothing interesting to say right now. Oh! Actually, my very attractive girlfriend bought a very attractive prom dress today. So, that makes her, like, a thousand more times more attractive than the wad of garbage you're bringing to prom.

...I'm just saying.

Okay, that's it. I'm finishing this post with a Steven Wright joke:

"I was walking in the desert one day when I saw an alien spaceship land in the distance. After a while, a couple of 1-inch tall alien men walked up to me and introduced themselves to me. I said, 'Nice to meet you, but why are you guys only 1-inch tall?'

The aliens responded, 'We're not 1-inch tall, we're just really far away. '"

*rimshot*

*crickets*

-J

Breakfast of Champions!

I just heard about this story.

Apparently, in the Russian city of Perm, two brothers have been accused to killing their older brother. You see, one of the younger brothers (I'll just call him Bob) was being investigated for murder. He would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for Big Bro. He told on Bob, and Bob was promptly arrested and jailed. Well, Bob got out about a year ago. Bob was not too thrilled with Big Bro, so he and his udder brudder (I'll call him Li'l Bro) killed Big Bro.

And then the story takes a sad, disturbed turn into the macabre.

They decided that best way of disposing of Big Bro's body, was to eat it. They ate Big Bro. They ate him, and buried the leftover bones in the backyard. Over the course of the last six months, they had refrigerated the Big Bro meat, and cooked him up every once in a while and eat him.

When asked for an explanation, Bob said only this:

"I did not want to go back behind bars, so we cut off his head and buried it and cut the body into parts and kept (them) in a refrigerator. We have been cooking and eating his meat for six months."

But, uh, he said it in Russian. Not English.

Weird, right? Alright, on to the real post. The "meat", if you will.

Mmm.

===========

Joey Earle yelled at me today for not posting yesterday. That's okay. He's got a broken arm. He's handicapped.

TGIF, right? Yeah, man. We've got about twenty-thousand-million essays crammed into the next 3 weeks, courtesy of that bearded behemoth Kazzer Wazzer. Erp.

I really like the show "Seinfeld", but I generally don't think that Jerry Seinfeld is very funny. If you've ever seen the show, you'd know that almost every episode opens with a clip of his "stand-up act". His jokes are really horrible. Plus, during the actual taping of his show, he gets a sort of half-smirk every time his character says something funny. I think it bugs me that HE thinks he's funny. Also, I feel bad for Michael Richards. He was Kramer on the show. As you may or may not have heard, during one of his own stand up acts a couple years, some black people were heckling him, so he lost it and went on a racial tirade.

He's been in hiding ever since. The guy was genuinely funny. One of the most hilarious physical comics of all time. I don't condone racism at all, but if a guy with glasses is bugging the crap out of you while you're doing you job, the first thing you're going make fun of is his glasses. Same thing with a toupee, or if he's bald. Unfortunately, the guy with glasses was actually a black guy, and saying stuff like "You woulda been hanging from a tree 50 years ago!!" is sort of bad form. Anyway. I hope he comes back into the (positive) limelight. Besides, black people have been making fun of white people for a while, and we can't do anything about it. That would be racist.

I'm not racist, I swear. I'm friends with Broderick Jenkins.

Hm. I think I'm about finished. My fingers are tired.

Bye!

-J

Ventilating

Yawn. There's not much to report today. Sorry. I will say that my first day back to school after break wasn't so bad. Which is suprising, since the only thing that smells worse than the school's frequently overflowing sewage system is the student body itself.

Seriously, South smells. Bad. I wonder if we don't have a few decomposing bodies in the ventilation shafts or electrical rooms. I wouldn't be surprised.

Speaking of bodies, what's going on with all the student deaths? I realize this is a sensitive subject with some people. I just think that it's unfortunate that every death could've been easily prevented.


Is everyone aware of what this means? I don't need any of you, my loyal Ellerpets, doing anything stupid and winding up roadkill, alright? Be sensible. Be safe. Be stupendous.



Okay, moving on. I'd like to do sort of a weekly segment. I think a really popular one is "This Day In History..." or something like that. I'ma do that. I need a cool title. ...Ooh! Got one. Okay.

Welcome to the first edition of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

Alright, here goes:

1452 - That magnificent Italian Renaissancical polymath Leonardo da Vinci is born. And you thought he was just an actor!

1923 - Insulin becomes available for diabetes patients. Finally, people could eat as much crap as they want and only have to endure a daily dose of the stuff. Plus, from time to time, we get to see Wilford Brimley on the TV! I love that guy!


1947 - Jackie Robinson debuts for the Brooklyn Dodgers, making him the first black man to play in a professional baseball game. And now look at us. We've got Obama. We did it!

1966 - Samatha Fox is born. Don't know who Samantha Fox is? Ask your pervert father. Pervert.
2001 - Joey Ramone, singer for the Ramones, dies. Where would we be without all of those songs that almost sound the same but are fundamentally different but they still sound the same? Remember "Hey, ho, let's go!"? I think that song's been in every Tony Hawk's Pro Skater video game ever produced.

...And that about does it for this, the first edition of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

Okay everyone. That's it for today, I think. Tune in next week when my special guest will be Dave Mustaine from the band Megadeth! See you then!

-J

Mr. Ash Trip

I realized that sometimes it can be boring to stare at a wall of text. It's so presumptious of me to assume you people like to read, so I decided to post an entry with more pictures and movies.

At the beginning of Spring Break, Dan and I went to go see our long-lost band director, Mr. Ash. This is our story. I guess.

Uh, we didn't take very many pictures. This is Dan eating one of Mrs. Ash's Korean specialties. It's pronounced "boo-goh-ghee", but I don't know how it's spelled. It was exploding with flavour and the rice was singing and birds and the sun were almost down from the top of the sky.

This is Mr. Ash's new office. If you can peel your eyes off my whiteness for a moment, you'll notice the lovely scenery. See how the walls sort of look like the inside of a shower? Anyway. It's cozy and we had fun.

We just sat around and played with baby toys.

And this is their baby. I just called him "Baby".

I'd post more stuff, but I think I'm going to blow up this website. It's taking a long time to get these pictures and video up. I'll post more nonsense when I feel inspired or gassy.

Bye!

-J

Spring Break Is Over

Sigh. Apparently there was a tornado near Tampa about an hour ago. That's a good thing, I think. We need the rain. I guess we don't need any massive tornado-caused holes in our roofs, but like, my lawn is dead. Even though I'm colorblind, I can still tell what looks bad.

Hm...what to talk about...

I seem to be getting a good response from the tiny amount of people that have seen this already, so, I'll see how long I can keep this e-journal up.

Who in the world would want to be a dentist? And why do we pay them so much? I would like to know who exactly shoots out of bed and proclaims, "I want to drill people's teeth!" to the world? I personally hate dentists. I've had 6 teeth pulled, had my wisdom teeth out, and had braces for about 30 years. Jordan is done with teeth. But, I mean, really, what a crappy job they have? How do they keep from shooting themselves after they get home? Maybe I secretly respect them. It must take a lot of dedication to get up everyday and scrub the gook off people's molars. Ugh, but that's so gross! The only reason I like going to the dentist is because I have a superiority complex. Hoo-boy. There's no better feeling than plopping down and taking pleasure in the fact that my dentist, a grown woman, has to shine the teeth of a gangly white kid. During the entire visit, I'm shouting, "That's right! You clean MY teeth! Ha ha ha ha!" in my head.

Uh, I digress.

If ever something is wrong with me, I think I'd consider being treated by a veterinarian. You know, a vet. Mostly because they have to know how like, a thousand different animals work instead of one human body. Besides, aren't vets like, attractive young women? Well, not like it means much; I'd take anything over the chrome-dome-butt-goblin-van-Mordecai I have as a doctor. Sheesh. That guy is boresville. I'm not really going to go into the details of my visits with the man (since I only see him about once a year), but, for some reason his hands are always very, very cold. I think it's because doctors don't have souls. You've got to be at least slightly emotionally detached to be able to stick your hand in certain questionable areas, or cut someone open on a table with a knife, or tell someone they've got a terminal illness before quietly ushering them out of your room and welcoming the next victim, er, patient. Sorry, that wasn't funny.

I try to write like I speak. So, uh, if you see an "um" or an "er" or an "uh", it's my just filling up space while I try to think of something cool to write.

Okay bye!

-J

Extremities

I'm trying to post this from my iPod. Let's see how this works.

Extremists annoy me. I just saw one of those murder-mystery TV shows on CBS. Apparently some schizoid Animal Rights activist started killing people because he disagreed with animal drug testing. It pissed me off, frankly. So much so that after the show, I actually Google'd "stupid activists".

I don't think it's possible to be an "extremist" without seeming insane and abrasive. In today's world, you really can't (or shouldn't) speak your mind. I think Animal Rights activists might be the worst. Man established his dominion over beast three-thousand years ago, and if we want to try to develop vaccines for horrifying diseases on worthless little guinea pigs, then, by God, start developing. I mean, come on. Guinea pigs are cute, sure, but why not put them to some use, right? Don't get me wrong; I love guinea pigs. But I love living more, and if we have to sacrifice a couple rodents (Rodents? Is that right?) in the name of science and the betterment of society, then so be it.

Eeugh, what was I talking about? Extremists? Oh, alright. In summary, everyone should just never say anything and life would be perfect the end.

I'm going to bed.

This was composed and submitted on my iPod. It took a while, but it's sort of cool being able to post stuff from the comfort of anywhere.

-J

First

Huh. Joey Earle said I should write a blog, so that is precisely what I'm doing. Look at me. He's not the only reason I'm doing this, though. I'm just, uh, wasting time, mostly.

Anyway, if you don't know me, then you shouldn't be reading this.

I don't know what I'll write about, or why in particular you're reading it, but hey, more power to you. And me. And us.

I use a lot of commas! It's been awhile since I wrote a blog. I had a couple on my old Myspace. I got some good feedback on those.

This isn't really making sense. Should I like, write about my innermost feelings and desires? Honestly I'd rather just write sporadic nonsense and see if you think I'm deep or not. Either way, this seems like it could be sort of fun. I'll write when something horrible or hilarious (or both) happens to me so you can brag to all your friends that you know a really horrible or hilarious kid.

Bah. I'm going in circles. Okay, I'm wrapping this up. There's a big slice of cake in the fridge with my name on it, and I intend to have my way with it immediately. So, for now, this is Jordan Eller, signing off.