Hungry

Hey ladies.

So, Obama has officially appointed Sonia Sotomayor to the position of Supreme Court Justice.

What a fox, right? Anyway, I approve this decision. She's good people. What I don't really approve of, however, is his doling out of stimulus packages to every company that whines enough. I think he should let some of those companies go under. Maybe some of the car companies. Companies succeed, companies fail. That is the way that the world works. It's survival of the fittest, baby, and if you can't make it a fiscal year without giving all of your executives a twenty-thousand million dollar raise. The main reason Obamarama is not letting these companies flounder is because of a significant reduction in job opportunities. My solution to that is quite simple:

Legalize prostitution. Bam. Fixed.

Prostitution has been around since the time of Jesus (or at least the 1970's) and has always persevered in the face of opposition, but now is the time for the oldest profession in the world takes center stage and pulls us out of our dire straits. No longer will Americans have to toil on the GM assembly lines or the banks. Anyone anywhere can simply sell their bodies for all the cold, hard cash they could ever need. Eventually, the notion of universal prostitution would become commonplace. Bringing your girlfriend over to meet your family would exciting and intimate instead of awkward and uncomfortable! After she's done doing all your relatives, you can go meet her folks and have your turn with her family tree! All I'm saying is that if we want to lower the jobless rate, prostitution seems like a pretty handy tool. Besides, nothing says "Stimulus Package" like package stimulation.

I did nothing in school today. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Seriously. Nothing. Nada. Why do I have to sit around and waste away in that prison when my teachers could just give me all my exams now? Or better yet, last week? I could've been living large by now! Screw you and your broken AC, SFMHS.

Okay, here we go. It's time again for...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!
27 May 2009

1840 - Niccolo Paganini, one of the most celebrated classical musicians of all time, dies. You probably know him from his very famous "Caprice in A Minor, Opus 1 Number 24", which is a timeless composition. You know how it goes. Dun dun dunnh dunnh dunnnnh dunh da! Remember?

1895 - Poet Oscar Wilde is imprisoned for sodomy. I guess I'm not surprised. Look at this guy:

You shouldn't be surprised, neither.

1945 - Bruce Cockburn is born. He's a Canadian singer. He also has the single most unfortunate last name ever bestowed upon mankind.

1975 - 32 people are killed in a car crash in the United Kingdom. This is the highest ever death toll in a road accident in the UK. They must be horrible drivers. At least we have something else besides bad teeth to make fun of them for now.

1975 - Andre 3000 is born. Y'know, "Hey Ya"? He did that. He's one classy guy. He seems like someone that would still refer to people as "cat". Like, "Yo, you're one cool cat", or something.

That's all for today. Thanks for reading another episode of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

Alright. Thanks, and I'll see if I can post again soon. Join me next time when my special guest will be Anita Blond, Hungarian pornographic actress!

Bye!

-J

Eros

Yeah, I know I didn't do "Looking Back For Science" yesterday. Sorry. I was busy. If you're really that torn up about it, you should find something more important to worry about.

You know what commercial product has the worst slogan? Hot Pockets. Do you know what the Hot Pockets slogan is? It's some lady saying, "Hot Pockets!". How dumb is that? People are "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs", Frosted Flakes are "Grrreat!", and all Hot Pockets has going for it is...the name. I don't know, it's something that was bothering me.

I presented my portfolio to a humourless panel last night in Mrs. Hardman's room. I got a freakin' 80. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. "80" basically sums up my experience as a member of South Ft. Myers High School. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but it was kind of disappointing. Just like my grade.

I'm glad it's raining again. I got tired of everything being so brown and dry. I mean, I couldn't drive down 41 without seeing shrubs and medians spontaneously combust before my eyes. It was like a minefield.

"Aw dag, here comes another brushfire."

I saw something really stupid today in Mr. Roger's Marketing class. You see, all year, Tayler Anderson, Sundance, and Matt Calhoun have been making fun of this group of macho jocks that sit in the corner. All they talk about it boobs, cagefighting, drugs, cars, and tattoos. Y'know, typical macho stuff. These people (Nathan...something, Nick Martin, Simon...Brazilian Guy, and a couple other morons) are hands down the densest, most stupid fools I've ever seen. But today, the be-all end-all hilarious thing happened: they had a pushup contest. They moved a bunch of desks around and started compteting. Between pushups, the onlookers (only two dufuses went at a time) shouted typical macho things, like, "You're not doing 'em right!, Let me do it!, You're going to slow!, You didn't go all the way down!", nonsense like that. After they finished, we all clapped and told them how impressed we were. It was really, really pathetic. I guess this story didn't have much of a payoff.

Ok, let's get this over with.

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!
21 May 2009

1856 - Lawrence, Kansas is captured and burned down by pro-slavery forces. This really doesn't mean much, but Shayla is from Kansas. And this sort of confirms my suspicions that Kansas is very, very racist.

1881 - Clara Barton founds the Red Cross. Big whoop. We'd be better off without them. I mean, we wouldn't have to listen to them whine about "donations" and "food cabinet shortages". Why don't they do something for themselves for a change. Whiners.

1927 - Charles Lindbergh touches down in Paris, completing the world's first nonstop flight across the Atlantic. So what? What did he do for me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

1936 - Sada Abe is arrested after wandering the streets of Tokyo for days with her dead lover's severed genitals in her hand.

Kinky, neh?

1998 - Five abortion clinics in Miami are hit by an acid attack by a lone vigilante. Looking for a safe stance on abortion? Me neither!

And that's another pathetic edition of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

You know what word sounds like a bad word, but really isn't? "Pussyfooting". I just think it's funny. It basically means to beat around the bush (ha!). Okay, that's all.

See ya, fool!

-J

Enamel

Sorry for not doing "Looking Back..." this week. I've had a lot of stuff to deal with.

Today I got my first cavity drilled. Needless to say, the era of Jordan Eller's Dental Superiority has come to a close. If you've been keeping up with my ramblings, you'll know that I despise dental appointments, and this was shaping up to be no exception. I was at the office a whole freaking hour before my appointment, so I sat on a bench and read Gai-Jin and worked on my tan. It's about 2:20, and my appointment is a t 3:00 sharp, so I mosied on down to Dr. Ringland's Dental Wonderland and sat in the waiting room. I briefly met the gaze of a withered old lady, who smiled more with her eyes than with her teeth. I said, "Howdy" and grabbed some random men's magazine and plopped right down on those musty old chairs that've been there since the dawn of time. I expected to be kept waiting for about a half-hour, so I got comfortable. I guess I was pretty preoccupied with the "Useful Tips for Hiding a Boner" article, because, apparently, my dentist had been standing in the doorway calling my name for a good 45 seconds. I jolted and quickly put the magazine back and said "I only read those for the pictures of scantily clad women.". I walked into the depths of the facility, cold and embarrassed.

I slid into the dentist's chair and prepared for yet another episode of "Ask Jordan As Many Arbitrary Questions and Be As Condescending As Possible". For an accurate representation of the conversation, I had one of the various paparazzi that follows me around snap a photo of the encounter. This is how our talk went. Note the cool-man glasses:

Dentist: Hey Jordan! How've you been?

Jordo: I've been good. I'm just finishing up my senior year.

Dentist: Of high school?

Jordo: Er, uh, yeah.

Dentist: You have a girlfriend?

Jordo: What? Oh, yeah...yeah.

Dentist: Well, good for you! You're a man now!

Jordo: ...? Oh, yeah, thanks.

Dentist: Okay, here we go! *Shoves hand down Jordo's throat*

Jordo: Mmmphpphhaggh!

That's exactly what she said. Anyway, after she'd finished playing with her icepicks and such, she found a cavity. She expressed her disappointment and I expressed my disinterest. She began preparations for a filling and sealant. Almost immediately, every horrifying dentist-drilling scene I've ever seen on TV or film rushed into my head.

Especially this one. So she comes looming up over my gaping, straining face and asks me if I want any anesthetic. This was a particularly tough decision for me. I could either A) receive a shot directly into my gums, numbing most of my mouth and throat to avoid any pain, or B) forgo the painful prick but possibly endure a kind of pain I've never experienced before. Since I'm an adventurous young nipper, I decided to see how I'd fare without any drugs. My dentist was displeased, again. She told me how very few people are able to stand the pain, and that it would probably be best for me to be numbed. I said "Bring it on, Nurse Ratched". She commenced final preparations.

As the humming drill neared my face, I was beginning to have second and third and fourth and fifth thoughts. Seconds away was quite possibly one of the worst experiences of my week. She stuck the drill in my mouth and went to work. ...But I felt fine! I didn't feel any pain at all! She leaned over and said, "I'm not hurting you, am I?", and I said "Keep it comin' toots!". She proceeded to drill and seal and fill everything that needed work with nary a peep from li'l ol' me. I felt manly! I was telling myself, "Wow, next to making fun of Oprah and watching half of one whole football game, this is like, the manliest thing I've ever done!"

While my impeccable dental record is now, well, peccable, my Manly Meter has never been higher. Plus, it rained today. Which was good too.

Alright, I'm gonna go clip my fingernails and watch Game 7 between Detroit and Anaheim. It's on Versus if you want to watch. Hopefully it'll be more exciting than that Washington wash last night.

'Bye!

-J

Mother's Day

What's with the no comments on my last post? You know, if you guys aren't gonna read this crap, you can at least tell me. I'm doing this for you, after all.

Alright, jerks. I guess I'll have to write about something interesting to you. I shouldn't have to, since it's my journal and everything, but I'll try to think of something.

...Nope. I changed my mind. More stuff about me.

NOTE: This post is not that funny. It's mostly just me mumbling nonsense. Pay me no mind.

I took Kasenow's AP Exam last Thursday. Now that that's finished with, it's sort of rendered the rest of my school year somewhat pointless. I mean, that's the class where I applied myself most, and now that it's done with, I'm filled with a sense of nostalgia. I mean, I started out the year hating (but respecting) the guy, mostly because I wish I could be like him. A lot of people said I'm going to grow up to be like him. I don't know if I want to or not. I'd like to be as smart as him one day, but I don't want to be as detached as he is. Maybe I'll end up like him. I still remember one of the first things he said to me:

"Sarcasm is my only defense against a cold, cruel, and harsh world."

Bah. Either way, I'll never be able to grow a beard like that, and I don't think I'll ever be interested in antiques, and I wasn't enrolled in a private, all-boys boarding school, so maybe I've missed the boat. I guess I looked up to the guy. I know everyone loves Kasenow, but I didn't. I think he's smart, but I imagine that he's also tortured. Anyway, it was interesting looking into the face of my potential future self. I'll miss him.

Does any of that make sense? Sorry, I'm listening to a really spacey Smashing Pumpkins album right now, and everything's sort of stream-of-consciousness-esque. This is pure rambling.

I was working on this infernal "Portfolio" project today in KazzyWazzy's class when Kaita pointed out a very disturbing truth about the requirements. Apparently, we need a PowerPoint slide stating the "Purpose" of our presentation. I guess I don't think too much of it, but being as sharp as she is, she was immediately perplexed. She explained to me how weird it was that they're making us, the student, proclaim our perceived level of importance regarding our Portfolio. Like, they're ingraining the "significance" of this Portfolio crap into our psyche. She's right, though. I'm just going to BS most of it.

For the first time in my life, I could actually recognize the point in time when someone's presence becomes awkward. I was watching a video in Orchestra today, and this kid came up to me and sat next to me. I consider this kid my friend, but I guess I wasn't in a very talky mood. Weird, I know, but shut up for one second. After we sat there for about 20 seconds without any words between us, I eventually reached deep into my cache of stock conversation topics and pulled out "Nice lunchbox". So we got to talking about food, and then band, and then work, and then etc., etc. I don't find this guy's presence unsavory, I just pinpointed the amount of silence it takes for an encounter to become awkward.

...Whew. Alright, I think I'm good. Check back on Wednesday for Looking Back For Science. Also, be more generous with your comments. If no one's reading this, I'm done writing. I'll get a real journal. Y'know, with...pages.

-J

Mayonnaise

Hello, everybody. Happy belated Cinco de Mayo! I'll bet you rolled out of bed stinking like tequila and peed pico de gallo, right? Right. Also, just so you know, Cinco de Mayo is NOT a celebration of Mexican independence. It's a celebration of the victory of the Battle of Puebla when the overwhelmed Mexican army defeated the French. Besides, "Mexican independence"? Haven't you ever driven through a gated community on "lawn maintenance" day? It's not even recognized by Mexico as a federal holiday.

So...Swine Flu has basically disintegrated. It was like a fad. I'll bet people are still going to make the "You're sick? It's probably Swine Flu." joke for a while now. I know I am.

The band Van Halen bugs me a little bit. Most of their songs sound the same to me. They all feature David Lee Roth's weird screech, a weird, layered chorus, and some awesome guitar riffs. I like Van Halen, the musician. He's talented. But the band itself is sort of trite.

Joey Earle told me I should get a Twitter account. I hate Twitter. There's something inherently narcissistic about up expecting people to pay attention to your every action. Like taking a dump. Who's life is so boring that they have to check stuff like that. Ugh.

Alright, I'm just putting this off.

Gather 'round, everyone! It's time for...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

May 6th, 2009

Mattress actress Sunny McKay is 51 today. She is known for her acclaimed performances in films such as "Carnal College", "Eyewitness Nudes", and my personal favorite, "Hump Up The Volume". Good for her.

1856 - Sigmund Fraud is born. What a psychopath that guy was. None of his theories were ever proven. He's a discredited fraud. You know that's where the word "Fraud" came from, right? Yeah.

...Quack.

1937 - The Hindenburg explodes. 36 people are killed. Blimps are worthless. Planes are faster and less dangerous. I guess the only advantage of a blimp is the fact that it moves really slowly.

1940 - John Steinbeck wins Pulitzer Prize for his "Grapes of Wrath". Never has the dustbowl been more fun or informative! Anyway, I like the title. It makes me think of a bunch of angry grapes sitting around. Maybe because I'm immature. Actually, I'm sure that's why it is.

1527 - German and Spanish invade Rome, ending the Renaissance. Um...that's it. I can't think of anything. The Renaissance was...nice? Ugh.

And that concludes another volume of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!
May 6th, 2009

Thanks for tuning in, faithful readers. Join me next time, when my special guest is famed Italian operatic tenor Pavaratti!

Bye everybody bye!

-J