YOU

Hey, hey, everybody! It's me! Lord Mycoplasma Pneumoniae! I hope you're enjoying your summer vacation as much as Mr. Eller here is enjoying his captivity! Anyway, I thought I'd write something enlightening, and since you're all a bunch of self-absorbed nitwits, I decided to write about, well, YOU.

You are a worthless waste of life, which is why — at this precise point in the time space continuum — you are reading this sentence. You think you should be doing something more productive, but for some reason, you aren't. You think your taste in music matters. You've seen every episode of Star Wars multiple times. You think playing video games makes you "alternative". You "spontaneously" quote Family Guy and Monty Python. You installed Linux on a partition because it seemed vaguely counter-cultural. Pretty much every human being you attended High School with remembers you only as, "that fat kid." You wear a fedora in public and believe this makes the world a more whimsical place. You went to a second-tier state college and joined the Roleplaying Club on the first day of orientation. You watch anime but insist you're not a fanboy. You quote internet memes at parties and then laugh alone, awkwardly. You own at least one cape which you wear "ironically" to comic conventions. You drive a 1990's Civic with crumbs on the floor and an "I roll 20's" bumper sticker. You write long posts in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist but never get responses. You think people shouldn't judge you based on your meager accomplishments because you "could've done better if you tried". You hover around the edges of your social group, grasping at straws of approval. You get your ideas and arguments from blogs. You think playing Xbox Live makes you "competitive". You bought samurai swords with the money you saved bagging groceries, and you still aren't a ninja. You don't get invited, you tag along, which to you is a less offensive way to say "crash". You like to tell yourself you "only date nerds because they understand" you. You sit at your desk daydreaming about which X-Men power you want, while your peers are building the world in their image. Basically, you're horrible.

Thaaat's right, Eller. Drink it in. What's it feel like? Does it feel like...SUCK?

Bye!

-Lord Mycoplasma PneumoniAE