Eulogy

Ok, ok, I'm recanting my previous statement about posting a memoriam for all the dead celebrities. The reason? I was just notified by Kaita L. Tinkoff that TV pitchman Billy Mays has died.

This post is to honor the horde of celebrities that have kicked the bucket within the last few weeks. Also, the five deaths also conveniently fits my Looking Back For Science format, so...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

Obituary Edition

David Carradine - Born 8 December 1936, died 3 June 2009.

David Carradine was was an American actor best known for his work in the 1970s television series Kung Fu and more recently in the Kill Bill films. He appeared in more than 100 feature films and was nominated four times for a Golden Globe Award. Basically, he was a cooler, more talented Chuck Norris. As one of the coolest white guys to ever learn martial arts, he laid the foundation for kung fu films in America.

Ed McMahon - Born 6 March 1926, died 23 June 2009

Ed was a decorated war veteran, an American comedian, game show host, announcer, and television personality. Most famous for his work on television as Johnny Carsons's announcer on The Tonight Show from 1962 to 1992, also as the host of the talent show Star Search from 1983 to 1995. He was just a nice, funny guy. I didn't know much about him, but I knew he was Johnny Carson's hilarious sidekick.

Farrah Fawcett - Born 2 February 1947, died 25 June 2009


Farrah was an American actress. A multiple Golden Globe and Emmy Award nominee, Fawcett rose to international fame when she first appeared as private investigator Jill Monroe in the TV series Charlie's Angels in 1976. That's the original series, not the Bernie Mac one. Fawcett was also a pop culture figure whose hairstyle was emulated by millions of young women and whose poster sales broke records, making her an international sex symbol in the 1970s and 1980s. Look at that hair! It looks like my high school senior portrait. Anyway. I saw a bunch of TV specials they did on her, and she was a real sweetheart. She died of butt cancer.

Michael Jackson - 29 August 1958, died 25 June 2009

What can be said about this guy that someone hasn't already said. We all know who he was. I'll admit, I didn't think he was a very good role model (to say the least), but the man knew his music. They didn't call him the "King of Pop" for nothing. His 1982 album Thriller remains the world's best selling album of all time, and four of his other solo studio are among the world's best-selling records, so he knew how to make money. Unfortunately, he died awash in debt and scandal. Which was sort of his own fault. But still, he was an American icon and a musical genius. Plus, Weird Al has parodied, like, 4 of his songs. Or something. Whee.

Billy Mays - Born 20 June 1958, died 28 June 2009

Oof. Didn't see this one coming. I take back most of the bad things I said about Billy. His voice might've been annoying, but he was good at what he did. I mean, he was the most memorable TV pitchman of all time. He died like, 5 hours ago. I just saw him doing a commercial this morning and I was reminded of my own feeble mortality, or something. No one knows yet what killed him, but the plane he was riding yesterday blew out a tire upon landing, and some junk hit him in the head. When asked about it, Billy said, "...I got a hard head."
Not hard enough, Billy. Not hard enough.

Rest in peace, celebrities. You provided me with minutes of entertainment during your lifetime. But seriously, if any famous people are reading this right now, you should definitely lay low for awhile. It's been a bad month for famous people.

I think Billy Mays death might have something to do with ShamWow's spokesperson Vince. Maybe it's a ploy for Vince to take over the infomercial empire. Hmm....

I think Dan is going to be the only one that thinks this is funny.





-J

Michael Jackson

Hello, wieners and whiners.

The recent events regarding the death of several pop(culture) icons has prompted me to make a statement. While I was considering writing the obnoxiously obligatory RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and David Carradine, I uncovered something much more pressing and disturbing.

Megan Fox's thumb.

Suffice it to say, that the thumb alone effectively cancels out any hotness and casts Megan Fox into the bin of Celebrity Butterfaces (right next to Hilary Swank and Bo Derek). I was alerted to this monstrosity by a friend of mine, and we agreed that this was far more important than an enjambed eulogy for people I didn't even care about.

I've heard of stuff like this. In the instance that a person loses a thumb, the doctors are able to graft the big toe in its entirety onto the hand, thus returning some functionality to hand. The only problem with Megan Fox is that...that's her real thumb. If that were my thumb, I would consider taking one of my toes (perhaps the one next to the big one) and replace it.

On the bright side, I'm sure it's handy for some things. Like hammering a nail. Plugging a hole in the roof. I'll bet she's good at handball.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and please, if you see Megan Fox, stare at her boobs or her butt or something, because once your gaze meets that profound protuberance, the entire illusion is ruined.

Have a nice freaking day.

-J

Beard

Yawn. Hey. What's up? Nothing. Okay, cool. See ya.

I really don't feel like doing a LOOKING BACK today, but I know you're probably foaming at the mouth waiting for this crap. Honestly, I've got a lot to do today, but I'm just going to get this out of the way. Besides, there's one event that I've been looking forward to covering. So, here goes a brief version of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

17 June 2009

1462 - Vlad the Impaler III attempts to assassinate Mehmed II, forcing him to retreat from Wallachia. Vlad is also known as "Dracula", and for having a very strange moustache.

He also was a brutal sadist with a passion for torture. Whee!

1898: Surrealist and artist M.C. Escher is born. He's one of my favorite artists. He hurts your mind.

Get it?

1972: The Watergate Scandal is discovered. I'm still not really sure what happened. I just figured it was...important.

1987: The last Dusky Seaside Sparrow dies, thus rendering the species extinct. The worst part? Their habitat was the Southern Florida marshes, with which we sprayed a bunch of chemicals to kill weeds. So...we killed them. Florida sucks.

1994: Following a televised low-speed highway chase, OJ Simpson is arrested for the murder of his wife and "friend". Today is the 15th anniversary of The Juice's debauchery. But the court found him innocent. So he wrote a book called, "If I Did It", detailing what he would've done if he actually killed those people. Then he got arrested like, 3 months ago for stealing some of his own sports memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel. Basically, he's a degenerate.

And that's all for today. Thanks for reading another volume of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!
17 June 2009

I've got stupid, 2-day FGCU Orientation tomorrow. Wish me luck. See ya!

Oh! Wait, wait. I found this video of Joaquin Phoenix (y'know, Johnny Cash in "Walk the Line"?) being a complete idiot on David Letterman's late-night TV program. I feel bad for Dave. He really tries to butter Joaquin up, and then just ends up making fun of him. Anyway, if you have an extra ten minutes, watch it. It's painful and funny. Like the guillotine!

-J

25

Hey, look at me. I've made it to post twenty-five.

I don't know why I write on this thing. I'm just another one of those self-indulgent little teenagers looking for a creative release. I guess this is a good alternative to drugs, or drinking...or becoming emo.

Emo...that sounds like something fine to write about.

I don't know where the whole "Emo Culture" came from. I think it stemmed from all the pseudo-punk music that started popping up in the 90's (Nirvana, Marilyn Manson, etc...). It's like a weaker, whinier version of Gothic, right? I mean, Goth's scare me. Seriously.

I wouldn't like to mess with one of those bad boys. Those people are hardcore weird. I'd make fun of them, but they'd probably file out of my attic or closet or something in the middle of the night and put a hex on me. Bah, uh, anyway. Yeah, Goth = Scary.

Emo kids...not so much. How can you possibly take them seriously? But then again, maybe that's why they're emo in the first place. Maybe I just don't get the overall appeal. Yeah, you may live in a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in a gated community. And yeah, your parents might've given you lunch money and college money every other kind of money you could possibly want, but life still sucks enough to paint your face and wear girl/children's jeans to Muvico, right? The world just doesn't understand!

Oh, we understand. We understand all...too...well.

Humph. It's not my place to judge how other people live their lives, but come on. These kids have the highest "Make Fun Of" factor since William Hung! How can I, a perfectly normal and perfect human being, NOT make fun of a bunch of guys sitting in a corner taking turns using a girl's straightening iron (which I've actually seen, courtesy of Mr. Mayer's awful classroom management skills. David and Dan and Kaita can back me up.)? The one positive point about the emo kids is that they're just that: kids. Presumably, there's a point in their life when they realise that they've been acting and dressing like a douche and that life isn't that bad. Then, they go and slip into some jean shorts from Old Navy and a comfortable T-shirt, and go get a job and contribute to society. And I don't mean making YouTube videos. That's not contributing.

Ok. I'm done for now. See you Wednesday!

-J

PS - I know Muvico is now Hollywood Theatres or whatever. Don't correct me. Jerks!

Airline

Hey people.

Drinking water out of a glass really bugs me. Anyone that knows me knows that I usually drink water out of water bottles, which is fantastic. Kudos to the man who invented portable water. I say "man" because I can't name even one famous woman inventor. I would say Oprah, but I don't think "giving middle-aged housewives a reason to wake up in the morning" is a viable enough reason to warrant the title of "inventor". Bah, uh, anyway, water. Ice is the problem. Nothing ruins a good gulp of agua like the cold clinkety-clink of the ice banging against your teeth. It wouldn't be so bad if someone (Oprah?) invented ice that stayed at the bottom of the glass, so it wouldn't float to the top and freeze mah toofs. Or, better yet, someone should invent a cup with slots along the outside edge. That way, you could insert the ice into the glass and cool the beverage without having the ice actually touch the liquid.

Enough rambling. Here comes...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!

10 June 2009

323 BC - Macedonian king Alexander the Great dies. He was really...great.

1910 - American bluesman Howlin' Wolf is born. The original "Back Door Man". Speaking of "Back Door Man", you hear about that Adam Lambert?

1940 - Canada declares war on Italy. Nobody notices.

1947 - Saab produces it's first automobile. Nobody notices, again.

Meh.

1964 - Jimmy Chamberlain, drummer for the Smashing Pumpkins, is born. This guy is one of the best drummers in modern rock. AND he loves heroine. What a cool guy!

There goes another volume of...

LOOKING BACK...FOR SCIENCE!
10 June 2009

Alright, thanks for reading. Sorry today's post was brief, but I'm tired.

See ya!

-J

Pomp

Hey everyone.

I graduated last weekend. The ceremony didn't last as long as I'd expected, but I got to say hello (and goodbye) to most everyone I wanted to. Well, almost everyone. I couldn't find Kaita afterwards, but I checked in with her family and they tracked her down. Sorry, Kaita.

Kasenow wasn't (officially) present. That is, he wasn't in the student rows in the traditional gown garb. I wasn't suprised, and I don't think anyone else was, either. The man is a drifter. He blows in from somewhere, impacts some lives, hurts some feelings, wins some hearts, and then blows on out. He and his wife must have a very good relationship, since she's the only constant thing in his life.

You know who I would call if I needed a crime solved? Not Kyra Sedgwick.

AKA, TNT's "The Closer". Instead of solving crimes, she should be going around the country giving abstinence talks to teens. Why? Because she is the ultimate turn-off. She's like the miracle anti-erection drug. They should make this woman in pill form and distribute her to sexual deviants everywhere. She is the two-legged form of chemical castration. No wonder Kevin Bacon is gay. Ahem.

Ok, I think that's all. See ya.

-J

It's Over!

To commemorate my glorious completion of thirteen years of schooling, I'm not doing Looking Back For Science today. I'm taking a much-deserved sabbatical. See ya later!

-J

Carrot

Hi everyone. How's it going? Fantastic.

My mom made a scrumptious salmon-carrots-rice dinner tonight. As I was getting ready to turn off the TV and sit down, a freakin' birth control commercial came on. In a panic, I ran around coughing and sneezing and making all sorts of noises hoping to drown out the inevitable. I couldn't find the remote, and by the time I was able to yank the plug out of the wall, it was too late. Now, I may be old-fashioned, but hearing words like "flow" and "heavy" and "periods" right before I sit down to eat makes me downright sick. Seriously. Do we need to hear about these things at dinnertime? I can understand those weird infomercials and whatnot way early in the morning, because the only people that see those are senile old ladies that are way past childbearing years and little kids that have to get up to catch the bus who are too young to understand words like "maxipad" and "women". But DINNERTIME?! Come on, people! Please! No more! No more Yaz! No more anything, please! If it makes me a prude, so be it. Am I so wrong?

Hmph. I don't have much to write about. Business has been slow. Oh, I know! You know what I love?

Doodie. Er, no, wait, pudding! Chocolate pudding! Pudding is one of the greatest inventions by mankind. Where would we be without pudding? Nowhere, that's where. So this is for you, pudding. Enjoy it, and keep on being awesome:

Ode To Pudding
When I am weak with the toils of living,
No longer even breathing, blinking, taking, or giving,
Dare I reach for a gallon of iced cream?
Guaranteed to ache my stomach, and my esteem?
Mayhaps I desire a cake, of vanilla or marble,
Yet the preparation my mood almost certainly will garble,
Nay, please no cookies nor creams nor cakes,
All I require is a prodigious pudding intake,
The glorious substance, magnificent elixir,
Fantastic creation, ultimate fixer,
How can I describe pudding's wondrous texture,
Without turning this psalm into a enjambed, trite lecture?
All I will say is that life is exorbitantly rich
When all that's on your mind is "Pudding on the Ritz"

Thanks for reading. And props to anyone that gets that joke at the end. See ya later!

-J

PS-The poem got screwed up. Thanks Blogger, for your horrible, horrible "text editor" application. You are horrible. Anyway, those lines with one word are supposed to...oh, forget it. I've done this too many times.